Reinventing the reinvention. Or, Change.

Reinvent:1) to create anew and make over; 2) to bring back into existence

I think this adequately describes a lot of what I've been going through lately. I know that in my last post there was a lot of talk of change, and that did happen. But all too easily, I let myself slip back into my old pattern, and once again I found myself in a place I didn't want to be, even deeper than before.

This is tough, living out the life I feel God wants for me, when surrounded by things which are so easily a distraction to me. It's a lot more difficult than I can handle, more than I expected. And I can't do this on my own.



And right now, I find myself in a place of needing reinvention. A reinvention from what I have let myself become ever since moving here to South Korea.

Moving to South Korea was sort of like moving into university; a good friend helped me realize this fact this week. No one knew me here (outside of my aunt and uncle, but even then, they hadn't seen me in 7 years) and because of this, it made it extremely easy to be whomever I wanted to here. No one knew the way I was back in States; the words I spoke, the activities in which I was involved, the friends that I kept and the lifestyle that I led. If I so desired, I could have become a completely opposite person, and no one would have thought differently or questioned me. When you walk into a situation where no one knows you, it's like having a completely blank slate. Just like during your years in university, S.Korea is a place where a person can reinvent (Definition #1; see above) themselves.

And I did, no matter how knowingly, or unknowingly: I had reinvented myself.

There's just one problem with that: What happens when you realize that your reinvention is something so completely different, that you absolutely detest who you've allowed yourself to become?

Well, maybe 'detest' is a strong word for what I'm feeling. But I'm definitely not happy with some things in my life.

I've been here in the ROK for almost a year (it'll be 1 year in 19 days!!!) and throughout the past 11 1/2 months, I've gone though a lot of changes. It's basically been like a back and forth roller coaster, struggling between becoming more of the person God wants me to be or becoming attached to the life of a secular English teacher here. I've failed a lot in this struggle, and often chose what I knew was the wrong path, just to have that enjoyment that it brought, no matter how short that enjoyment lasted. And so what I've created now is this 'reinvention' of myself, which everyone here pretty much just assumes is the way that I've always been.

But I know it's not the truth. And God knows as well.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of willingly going into situations which I know I will regret in the morning, and struggling with the feelings of failure which accompany that regret. I'm tired of being one person at church when I know that my a lot of things in my lifestyle outside of church don't match up with what everyone sees on Sunday mornings. And I know I'm being pretty open and honest on here, so for those of you who read this, you might be surprised by some of it. But I'm tired of hiding what's going on and I'm tired of pretending to be something that I'm not.

I'm not living the life that I used to live, I'm not living the life of the person I know that God has made me to be, or the life of the person God wants me to be.

So it's time for another re-invention.

This time it's of the second definition (see above). I need to bring back into existence the person who was fully focused on the life God had for her, who had full intentions of growing in her relationship with her Heavenly Father and using this experience in S.Korea to further understand the future He wants for her. It's time to bring back into existence that person who used to always be happy, no matter the circumstances, because she could see the good that God was working in the situation; the person who could say no to temptation without a second thought; the person who was stronger in her faith and beliefs and honestly believed that she was living her life to the fullest for God.

This journey isn't easy, and I never thought it would be. I had to make some pretty tough decisions this week, one that I've been in denial about for a while. But I'm trusting in God and I know that things are going to get better.

I've got another year here, and I'm praying that this coming year is one that I can be more proud of and I'm trusting that God's gonna be doing some great things in my life :)

I'll have another blog update soon. I promise this time! I mean seriously, how can I NOT post when my year anniversary happens? ha.