Stuck

It really sucks being in that place, where you feel like you're not moving forward, yet you're not moving backwards either, you're stuck.

That's how I feel right now. The plan after the summer was to just spend a couple weeks at home, saying goodbyes and all that stuff, and head out for S.Korea. However, I've not been here for a month, and I still have no idea when I'm leaving. I hate this: being at home, not really having a job (cause I don't know when I'll be called out to leave), with no car, with all of my friends miles away, and just generally doing NOTHING.



And not that there is a lack of trying or anything. I'm actually looking for employment opportunities now. Because the fact is, I don't know when I'm leaving, and I'm running out of money. That sort of happens when you have no job, right? So I just started tutoring a 4th grade student and have put in applications to a number of places that said they were hiring (note to self: I need to call them back). And I have my Wednesday night Bible study group, which is great. But besides that, there is nothing. Waking up, trying to occupy my time, not really packing too much, cause there is really nothing for me to pack.

It's killing me, being away from my best friends. Of course I'll experience that in Korea, but at least when I'm there, I'll have something to occupy my time. Now there is nothing, just me being bored, knowing that I can't call my friends or see them because they all have lives by now. I've relied a lot on my friends in the past years, perhaps too much, and now I am reaping the repercussions of those actions.

I feel like I'm becoming one of those college students who graduate, and then do nothing of real significance for another year. I don't want to be one of those people. I wasn't supposed to be one of those people. When I graduated, I was actually one of the few lucky ones who had something to look foward to, who weren't frantically trying to find a decent paying job in a dying economy. So why am I still stuck here?

God has a plan for me, I'm sure of this. And S.Korea is in that plan. It's like, the next step of my life, where God wants me, is RIGHT THERE, yet, I can't reach out and grab it. It has nothing to do with an unwillingness to take that step, because I'd jump into it if I could. If I had the money for a plane ticket, you can bet I'd already be there. But I can't leave for Korea yet until things move for me on the other end. This is completely out of my control. I can only wait.

Waiting is the sometimes the hardest thing to do.

I know that I must wait though, and I must trust in God. Somewhere in the middle of all this, He is teaching me something. I don't know what it is yet, but I'm seeking that out. Trust. That's such a hard thing for people sometimes, especially when life seems planned out. And especially when I know that I'm walking into the path God has for me. But I have to trust Him. I can no longer rely on friends, or family, or anyone else. This is about me and God. If I am going to be fully used by Him in the future, I need to fully give my life over to him, that includes this unyielding desire to just be in S.Korea already. It's kinda funny to think about the fact that I almost backed away from this calling God has for me, and now that I've dove in headfirst, He tells me to wait.

And I'm like, "Why? Why would things move so quickly with the paperwork and everything else, just so I can sit here and wait?" But somewhere in the back of my mind, there is that still, small voice that says Patience, my child. Do I not control everything? I have a plan, I have a reason. And now, you must wait. And He's right. I have to trust in Him, knowing that things are working out in God's plan, not in my own.

So.....I wait.